To My Children With Love, Amongst Other Things

2009-10-08T13:03:00.000-04:00

To my four boys, I love you so much!

My heart races with just a smile or touch.

In a life of mistakes, heading in the wrong direction,

You saved me from failure with your sheer perfection.

Those words being said, I'd like to say a few more:

Pick up your damn clothes off the bathroom floor!

Stop peeing in the front yard and on the toilet seat,

And leaving your Lego's around to torture my feet!

Stop farting in public and resetting my clock,

And the cat is just fine, he doesn't need a Mohawk!

When you go #2, remember to FLUSH,

And for God's sake, USE YOUR TOOTHBRUSH!

Don't tell your brother for Christmas he's getting coal,

And OVER MY DEAD BODY will you have a stripper pole!

Don't tell your teachers that I always curse,

And stop putting used tissues inside my purse!

Having gotten those few issues off my chest,

Though there's much more, I feel less stressed.

I love you boys very much, allow me to repeat.

But please bear in mind, I kept the receipt!

To Whom it May Concern.........

2009-09-29T23:41:00.000-04:00

One of the hardest things to do as a grown up (not that I am particularly good at being a grown up!) is knowing when to hold'em, so to speak. The ability to gauge a situation, judge whether or not your thoughts or opinions would help or hinder the situation, and to prevent your inner monologue from breaking the brain/mouth barrier when need be. Everyday I encounter situations like this, and the following are just a few of the recent examples of verbal venting and confession that I chose to keep silently to myself for good reason:

To whom it may concern(Lady who walked into the McDonald's restroom ahead of me)- Taking the only roll of toilet paper out of the only other bathroom stall was selfish and rude. You could've taken a handful, and left the roll, or even offered me a handful and taken the rest of the roll with you, especially when you saw me coming in. But you didn't, you suck! Thank God I only had to go #1! PS- Light a match-that was unacceptable!

To whom it may concern(half the drivers I'm forced to share the road with)- #1 The long lane at the bottom of an exit ramp is called a "Merge Lane." I know it's a crazy concept, but the idea behind its creation was to use the space to increase your speed to keep pace with traffic that you are attempting to merge into! So the next time you are coming off an exit ramp, and find yourself face to face with one of those strange "Merge Lanes," don't come to a complete stop at the bottom of the exit, use the damn merge lane!

#2- I know you all have noticed how sometimes the tail lights of a vehicle in front of you will occasionally flash only on one side. And I hope that at least some of you have noticed a correlation between the side the light is flashing on, and the tendency for that vehicle to turn in the same direction, or to merge into the lane on the same side that the tail light is flashing on. That my friends, is called a turn signal! You can do it too! Most modern vehicles (and by modern, I mean post Model T) come equipped with the new age technology as a standard feature! Now that you know, you can make all those car accidents that you see in your rear view mirror, a thing of the past!

To whom it may concern(my neighbor)- Yes, it was my son that messed up the flowers in your front garden. And yes, the flowers in the vase in my window are your flowers, the very same flowers my son picked from your garden.

To whom it may concern(hot guy who got on the elevator 1 floor after me)- I am so sorry for that God-awful smell! It wasn't really the baby, it was the chili I had for lunch. I was in there by myself, and my stomach was hurting, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to fit into my pants without unbuttoning them. Something had to give, and between the button on my pants and the xtra "air" in my belly, the button didn't seem like the long term answer!

To whom it may concern(all the people at church who took communion after my sons and I)- I'm sorry my son dropped his gum in the communion chalice. I swear I told him to spit it out before church even started!

To whom it may concern(The 2 ladies in the dressing room at a local clothing shop)- Girl A (not trying on clothes)- You ought to be ashamed of yourself! How could you tell your girl that that dress looked good on her! I'm sure you noticed that she is a Larger lovely lady! How could you encourage her to not only spend her hard earned money on, but to wear something that's tighter than a single mother's budget! The fabric in the back clung so tightly to her underlying cellulite, that her ass looked like it had hail damage! How could you tell YOUR FRIEND that looked good!? Unacceptable! Girl B- If, for some reason, you did buy that dress, don't rip the tags off, don't throw away the receipt! Go directly back to the store and exchange that horrendous 15 inches of stretchy fabric that resembles a dress on a size 2 junior and get something that will actually flatter your lovely curvaceous figure! Step 2, fire your "friend."

To whom it may concern(office manager)- You're an idiot! Carpet lint could do your job better and has more personality!

Thats What She Said

To My Children With Love, Amongst Other Things

To Whom it May Concern.........